Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism s.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Unintentional Experiment

I'm going to preface this by saying mama always said that politics and religion do not make for pleasant or appropriate conversation, so I'll save my own personal diatribe on the state of the world... for now.

However, I feel compelled to share the findings of my daily and unintentional experiment. When I fire up the pistons each day, there are a handful of sites I check. How different am I from you? I hit the news, my scores, adjust the fantasy team lineup, stroll over to some forecast views, and, if there's time, maybe a quick peek to see if Britney Spears left her kids at home to go clubbing again, you know, the usual havens of education, wonderment and amusement. On the news front, I spy cnn.com and foxnews.com. Some would argue that either truly deliver "news". Anyways, it is clear to me that these two very mainstream news sites are becoming more and more of an experiment into an attitude of the status and progress of the Iraq war.

OK, HUGE and complex topic, and again, I'll save you from my own thoughts and inclinations on the subject. One thing that has become increasingly obvious and quite comical is how one site stands clear on one side of the issue and the other site is, well, exact opposite. What's the expression... Apples and Oranges? Ebony and Ivory? Frick and Frack?

Being modestly trained in aspects of print journalism back at "my old school" (great Steely Dan song by the way) I always thought that the world of news media was supposed to remove itself from a conflict of interest and to be objective, not subjective. Obviously, it looks like things have changed with everyone lining up with their own agendas. Maybe that's why the pulse of this nation is so skewed - too many people actually believe everything they read in the papers, hear on the radio, watch on TV, and find on the web.

Anyways, I digress... so, this experiment that was borne over the course of the last several months currently shows the score: CNN - DOOM and GLOOM, Foxnews - There is still hope.

Hey, don't take my word for it, check the headlines and draw your own conclusions as to the mood. What color pill is each respective editor giving you? A dose of Pull back and retreat or All is lost? Perhaps 20 cc's of Stay the course and Victory is achievable?

All this proud American is saying is just try to keep an open mind, pray for a positive and improving situation in the world, and whatever you do, please don't anxiously shovel down each heaping spoonful of bullshit that 'they' feed you!

What say you, oh, singular and independent consciousness?

God bless you all (I still have this right, right?)

Bebop Buchanan's Rollin' set for release

New York, NY - "Finally!" That singular statement was the last word Armory Square Records Sr. Executive Branford Marshall shared with us about the release of the much-anticipated follow-up album by Bebop Buchanan. "It's been a long road... getting this record done," Marshall stated. "The demand was so high after Bebop went platinum with 2004's Night Slider that we thought this follow-up release would never come."

Entrenched in oakie folk and soaked in his own dynamic jazz-infused rock, Bebop Buchanan has really stepped up to a new level with his fourth album since switching gears from his southern industrial roots.

“It all just came natural,” Bebop explains, as he turns back to the solace of orchestrating yet another masterpiece in his head. The only way to truly understand the process behind the music is to get to know the man. Journeyed, acclaimed, private. Few have a firm grasp of what drives this melodious soul. “Some think I’ve made a deal with the devil,” Bebop laughs. “When I lay down my tracks, there ain’t no mystery baby, it’s how I roll.. and this too… shall roll.” Bebop gives us this last snippet before unabashedly leaving our interview.

Pre-release reviews of Rollin’ have drawn some interesting comparisons. Rolling Stone likens it to “Donna Summer on acid” while Vibe editorialist Megan Cummings claims “I doubt he’ll ever be allowed back to Tennessee.”

After sampling the first few cuts, this reporter can tell you with certainty that Rollin’ is definitely quite the ride. All aboard!

Bebop Buchanan
Rollin’

1. Ain’t no betta
2. Blues for Frankie
3. Gettin’ back to basics
4. White House love song
5. Memphis was a friend of mine
6. Lions of Lidell St.
7. Hot Flat
8. Trunk
9. Top Shelf Matador

8 Seconds?

Long story short... I injured myself pretty bad during the quarterfinal round of the South Texas Bull Stomp BlastOff 2007. Ever since I moved up from rodeo clown, it's been my dream to be a Crown Royal CBR world champion. I was on my way actually. In the first round I scored an 86 on Dusty Bottoms, a bull out of Flatneck, Texas. Momentum was on my side as I mounted Fancy Boots McSnaggle Tooth, whom I've never ridden. I heard he was fast and mean but a challenge I welcomed with open arms.

Unfortunately, I rolled right when the 1,000 lbs of fury beneath me kick-jacked back to the left and threw me clear into the stands. I snapped my knee, spilled this little girl's nachos, and basically ruptured my patella tendon in half. Dreams of hoisting that trophy has been put on hiatus but don't you fret none (that's Texas talk) I'll be back in the stirrups come 2008... you can guarantee that!

Anyways, I'm on the mend, and Team Willis, Austin version will be at the upcoming Couse reunion in spirit.

Hugs and kisses!

Fruit Fly Retardant

Central Texas summers have the tendency to bring about an unwanted pest… the Fruit Fly. Drosophila melanogaster (from the Greek for black-bellied dew-lover) has been plaguing my home ever since the arrival of spring. Although the fruit fly is very tiny, it’s Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Tim Wakefield knuckleball-like movement allows for enhanced escape-ability from the two-handed human death clap, bringing about unparalleled frustration as entomophobes like myself seek to quash this vagrant nemesis once and for all.

The world-wide web’s cherished Wikipedia website informs us that the compound eye of the fruit fly contains 800 unit eyes or ommatidia, and are one of the most advanced among insects. The wings of a fly are capable of beating at up to 220 times per second. Flies fly via straight sequences of movement interspersed by rapid turns called saccades. During these turns, a fly is able to rotate 90 degrees in fewer than 50 milliseconds. Dodgy little devils indeed!

After an exhaustive and methodic search for proper retardants, I have found that there is one altruistic remedy for our black-bellied dew-lover – the carbine-format Flamethrower.

The lightweight carbine-format Flamethrower is designed solely for close combat. Using a pressurized napalm gel, it can cover an area of up to nine meters. Once the target is hit, the gel will stick to the victim and continue to burn for up to five seconds.

With a steady and sure-fire Flamethrower on hand, your fruit fly troubles will disappear. However, it is important to note that 3rd degree burns and complete property destruction will be the next hurdle in your quest for a fruit fly free home this summer. I recommend short, controlled bursts.

Happy hunting and skin grafts!

Moe, Sideways and Turtle

There are three. Meeting, as usual, under the stairs of another event from Days Gone By High. Currently contemplating Turtle's enormity of Id.

Moe: whatever happened to the way we were?

Turtle: the last time I checked, there was never a way... there was only a day.

Moe: you don't think there's a reason we aren't becoming more suited to join it all?

Sideways: each is different, Moe. haven't you at least noticed the options passing us by?

Moe: speak for yourself, Turtle has always driven straight to an objective, not an objection.

Turtle: characteristics don't become as much as they are made and undone.

Sideways: helpful.

Turtle: misguided, more or less. it's not impossible.

Side Effect Solutions

Today I would like to give a big "shout out" in appreciation for Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub. For those of you who can appreciate gimp-like conditions, you understand the side effects of prescription pain medicine. The Choo Choo doesn't exactly steam out of the station, and when the train does leave, the tracks have seemingly been ambushed by a mudslide of Biblical proportions.

In a moment of despair, Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub came to the rescue. My beloved biohazard team! My sweet unscented savior! Thank you Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub.