8 Seconds?

Long story short... I injured myself pretty bad during the quarterfinal round of the South Texas Bull Stomp BlastOff 2007. Ever since I moved up from rodeo clown, it's been my dream to be a Crown Royal CBR world champion. I was on my way actually. In the first round I scored an 86 on Dusty Bottoms, a bull out of Flatneck, Texas. Momentum was on my side as I mounted Fancy Boots McSnaggle Tooth, whom I've never ridden. I heard he was fast and mean but a challenge I welcomed with open arms.

Unfortunately, I rolled right when the 1,000 lbs of fury beneath me kick-jacked back to the left and threw me clear into the stands. I snapped my knee, spilled this little girl's nachos, and basically ruptured my patella tendon in half. Dreams of hoisting that trophy has been put on hiatus but don't you fret none (that's Texas talk) I'll be back in the stirrups come 2008... you can guarantee that!

Anyways, I'm on the mend, and Team Willis, Austin version will be at the upcoming Couse reunion in spirit.

Hugs and kisses!

Fruit Fly Retardant

Central Texas summers have the tendency to bring about an unwanted pest… the Fruit Fly. Drosophila melanogaster (from the Greek for black-bellied dew-lover) has been plaguing my home ever since the arrival of spring. Although the fruit fly is very tiny, it’s Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Tim Wakefield knuckleball-like movement allows for enhanced escape-ability from the two-handed human death clap, bringing about unparalleled frustration as entomophobes like myself seek to quash this vagrant nemesis once and for all.

The world-wide web’s cherished Wikipedia website informs us that the compound eye of the fruit fly contains 800 unit eyes or ommatidia, and are one of the most advanced among insects. The wings of a fly are capable of beating at up to 220 times per second. Flies fly via straight sequences of movement interspersed by rapid turns called saccades. During these turns, a fly is able to rotate 90 degrees in fewer than 50 milliseconds. Dodgy little devils indeed!

After an exhaustive and methodic search for proper retardants, I have found that there is one altruistic remedy for our black-bellied dew-lover – the carbine-format Flamethrower.

The lightweight carbine-format Flamethrower is designed solely for close combat. Using a pressurized napalm gel, it can cover an area of up to nine meters. Once the target is hit, the gel will stick to the victim and continue to burn for up to five seconds.

With a steady and sure-fire Flamethrower on hand, your fruit fly troubles will disappear. However, it is important to note that 3rd degree burns and complete property destruction will be the next hurdle in your quest for a fruit fly free home this summer. I recommend short, controlled bursts.

Happy hunting and skin grafts!

Moe, Sideways and Turtle

There are three. Meeting, as usual, under the stairs of another event from Days Gone By High. Currently contemplating Turtle's enormity of Id.

Moe: whatever happened to the way we were?

Turtle: the last time I checked, there was never a way... there was only a day.

Moe: you don't think there's a reason we aren't becoming more suited to join it all?

Sideways: each is different, Moe. haven't you at least noticed the options passing us by?

Moe: speak for yourself, Turtle has always driven straight to an objective, not an objection.

Turtle: characteristics don't become as much as they are made and undone.

Sideways: helpful.

Turtle: misguided, more or less. it's not impossible.

Side Effect Solutions

Today I would like to give a big "shout out" in appreciation for Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub. For those of you who can appreciate gimp-like conditions, you understand the side effects of prescription pain medicine. The Choo Choo doesn't exactly steam out of the station, and when the train does leave, the tracks have seemingly been ambushed by a mudslide of Biblical proportions.

In a moment of despair, Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub came to the rescue. My beloved biohazard team! My sweet unscented savior! Thank you Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub.

Plenty of Room on the Bandwagon

Greetings and Happy New Years.

You see that game the other night? I'm not talking about Dwayne Jarrett's single-handed dismantling of the maize and blue. My apologies Michigan. Regarding that other ho-hum contest on the docket, I didn't plan on watching as I thought it would be a blowout win for the Sooners. So, on a 'kid's eating me out of house and home' grocery run, I radioed in to check the status of the Fiesta bowl, and was surprised to find it was 14-0 Broncos. No, not Denver Broncos - they choked on their ham sandwich of a season about 24 hours prior. Wow, pretty interesting score between Boise and OU. Surely, the Sooners would eventually wear down the inferior athletes from the unknown school in isolated Idaho.

Getting home, unloading the groks, and putting the boys to bed, I thought I'd finish off the bottle of vino I opened the other night and see how the game was going. I could always flip to Groundhog Day on TNT if the game ended up getting out of hand, as I assumed it would. Groundhog Day is on the short list of movies that you will always have to watch when you stumble across it... just like Jaws, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space, of course.

I'm not sure how many of you guys got destroyed by the wife for waking the kids, but it was pretty unavoidable last night. As a sports fan and a huge fan of "the moment", there was no way I could contain myself during the fireworks finish.

HOLY *&$%! Yeah, that profound statement pretty much sums up my feeling about Boise State's improbable upset over the mighty and storied Sooners. As you witnessed, it was no fluke, no lucky bounce. That group of kids from Nowheresville U., just outside of East Bumble, with the Smurf grass home turf and funny uniforms stood toe to toe with Goliath and struck him down. In truth, this Boise squad can ball. They had beaten Oregon State who helped knock USC out of the title game. However, even two days after this grandest of games, there are still doubters and skeptics about this unassuming participant to the national stage. Not only was that one of the greatest games in the history of college football (go ahead and argue how it's not), but it also reminded us to never give up (copyright Jimmy V), never underestimate the heart of a champion (copyright Rudy Tomjanovich), and always believe in the greatness that lies within - this was exemplified on both sides of the ball. Just look at what Oklahoma dealt with this year.

You have to take stock in what Oklahoma had accomplished and how they fatefully had to lose that game... after the year they had, after enduring Bomar, Texas, Oregon, and A.D.s busted collar, they rose to something great this year, something special in their own right. To say "NOT NOW", to not lay down when the season was stacking up against them, to not lay down when Paul Thompson was doing his best impersonation of an athlete trying not to suck at quarterback. It's endless if you think of all the significance of the 2007 Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. I think I'm going to order the game on DVD or something. OU clawing back, that fantastic 4th and 18, going for 2, how in the hell did this all happen???

I hope the momentum of Boise/OU overshadows Monday night's title game. Hey Florida, nothing against you, but YOU LOST. You have a big ugly L hung on you. You got beat; the clock ran out, you are imperfect. But you can't blame the Gators for running to the line for the chance at glory - that's the unflinching desire that only two a days in the summer heat can forge. Sadly, those Gators are just another pawn in the high dollar game of top level college football, the only NCAA Div-I sport without a playoff to ultimately decide who gets to stand alone on the podium.

If Florida beats the Buckeyes, I say we find that whiz kid from Real Genius and inflict the BCS computers with a virus that gives Boise State some rightful claim to the throne. Why not? Well, because reality bites. I can see the letter from the NCAA now.... "Dear Boise State Broncos, Congratulations! You just finished a perfect 13-0 season, you beat everyone on your schedule, you defeated the 7-game winning streak Big XII champion got hosed by officials in Oregon could argue to be playing Ohio State Oklahoma Sooners. And you did it with the spirit of an Iroquois warrior and the guts of a Normandy invader; however, you have NO CHANCE at winning a national championship. In fact, you might as well reserve yourselves to being second best for the rest of your lives. That whole George Mason run last March? We had it worked out that they would fail so don't get any ideas. Sincerely, Old FatCats."

Ladies and gents, I ask you for justice sake - stand up for the little man and let your voices be heard. Until money no longer corrupts and handshakes are no longer secret, we are forever reserved to islands of championships tied to weedeaters, outfitters, and office suppliers. At least no corporate television contract can take away our inherent right to crown the mighty Boise Broncos from being true champions... we'll always have ESPN.coms fan poll! What a frickin' moment!

Boise State Fight Song

Fight Broncos, celebrate the orange and blue

Boise will stand and cheer for you

Fight for distinction & our alma mater

Bravely defending B-S-U!

Fight on courageously for Boise State

Success and honor make her great

Boise's proud tradition-

Heads up competition-

Glory for B-S-U!!

Go Orange

Go big Blue

Fight! Fight!

B-S-U


Random items to note:

What's with Adrian Petersen's dad? You know, they let him out of the joint after 8 years and finally got to watch his son play ball. He looked pretty nervous in the stands. Did he really get paroled or is there some giant hole behind a Raquel Welch poster in his empty cell?

Was the Boise State quarterback the stunt double for Bob Slidell from Office Space?

How sauced was Barry Alvarez? Were Barry's long absences from the broadcast due to him working the media room buffet and bar? "8 whiskey sours and I can still sell the sunofabitch."

Who the hell is Charles Davis? That guy was terrible and he actually DEFENDED not having a playoff system in college football. I thought that leprechaun Brennaman was going to kill him.