8 Seconds?

Long story short... I injured myself pretty bad during the quarterfinal round of the South Texas Bull Stomp BlastOff 2007. Ever since I moved up from rodeo clown, it's been my dream to be a Crown Royal CBR world champion. I was on my way actually. In the first round I scored an 86 on Dusty Bottoms, a bull out of Flatneck, Texas. Momentum was on my side as I mounted Fancy Boots McSnaggle Tooth, whom I've never ridden. I heard he was fast and mean but a challenge I welcomed with open arms.

Unfortunately, I rolled right when the 1,000 lbs of fury beneath me kick-jacked back to the left and threw me clear into the stands. I snapped my knee, spilled this little girl's nachos, and basically ruptured my patella tendon in half. Dreams of hoisting that trophy has been put on hiatus but don't you fret none (that's Texas talk) I'll be back in the stirrups come 2008... you can guarantee that!

Anyways, I'm on the mend, and Team Willis, Austin version will be at the upcoming Couse reunion in spirit.

Hugs and kisses!

Fruit Fly Retardant

Central Texas summers have the tendency to bring about an unwanted pest… the Fruit Fly. Drosophila melanogaster (from the Greek for black-bellied dew-lover) has been plaguing my home ever since the arrival of spring. Although the fruit fly is very tiny, it’s Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Tim Wakefield knuckleball-like movement allows for enhanced escape-ability from the two-handed human death clap, bringing about unparalleled frustration as entomophobes like myself seek to quash this vagrant nemesis once and for all.

The world-wide web’s cherished Wikipedia website informs us that the compound eye of the fruit fly contains 800 unit eyes or ommatidia, and are one of the most advanced among insects. The wings of a fly are capable of beating at up to 220 times per second. Flies fly via straight sequences of movement interspersed by rapid turns called saccades. During these turns, a fly is able to rotate 90 degrees in fewer than 50 milliseconds. Dodgy little devils indeed!

After an exhaustive and methodic search for proper retardants, I have found that there is one altruistic remedy for our black-bellied dew-lover – the carbine-format Flamethrower.

The lightweight carbine-format Flamethrower is designed solely for close combat. Using a pressurized napalm gel, it can cover an area of up to nine meters. Once the target is hit, the gel will stick to the victim and continue to burn for up to five seconds.

With a steady and sure-fire Flamethrower on hand, your fruit fly troubles will disappear. However, it is important to note that 3rd degree burns and complete property destruction will be the next hurdle in your quest for a fruit fly free home this summer. I recommend short, controlled bursts.

Happy hunting and skin grafts!

Moe, Sideways and Turtle

There are three. Meeting, as usual, under the stairs of another event from Days Gone By High. Currently contemplating Turtle's enormity of Id.

Moe: whatever happened to the way we were?

Turtle: the last time I checked, there was never a way... there was only a day.

Moe: you don't think there's a reason we aren't becoming more suited to join it all?

Sideways: each is different, Moe. haven't you at least noticed the options passing us by?

Moe: speak for yourself, Turtle has always driven straight to an objective, not an objection.

Turtle: characteristics don't become as much as they are made and undone.

Sideways: helpful.

Turtle: misguided, more or less. it's not impossible.

Side Effect Solutions

Today I would like to give a big "shout out" in appreciation for Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub. For those of you who can appreciate gimp-like conditions, you understand the side effects of prescription pain medicine. The Choo Choo doesn't exactly steam out of the station, and when the train does leave, the tracks have seemingly been ambushed by a mudslide of Biblical proportions.

In a moment of despair, Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub came to the rescue. My beloved biohazard team! My sweet unscented savior! Thank you Cottonelle For Kids Flushable Moist Wipes Pop-Up Tub.