Ben Stein's Confession

This email found me again today. I think it's a couple years old but it still hits a home run in my book.

A lot of truth in this

***
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year.. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace..

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein
***

Well done Mr. Stein. Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!

Father/Daughter Talk

*Thanks to Kel*

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth."

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that
would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,"Welcome to the Republican party."

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism s.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Unintentional Experiment

I'm going to preface this by saying mama always said that politics and religion do not make for pleasant or appropriate conversation, so I'll save my own personal diatribe on the state of the world... for now.

However, I feel compelled to share the findings of my daily and unintentional experiment. When I fire up the pistons each day, there are a handful of sites I check. How different am I from you? I hit the news, my scores, adjust the fantasy team lineup, stroll over to some forecast views, and, if there's time, maybe a quick peek to see if Britney Spears left her kids at home to go clubbing again, you know, the usual havens of education, wonderment and amusement. On the news front, I spy cnn.com and foxnews.com. Some would argue that either truly deliver "news". Anyways, it is clear to me that these two very mainstream news sites are becoming more and more of an experiment into an attitude of the status and progress of the Iraq war.

OK, HUGE and complex topic, and again, I'll save you from my own thoughts and inclinations on the subject. One thing that has become increasingly obvious and quite comical is how one site stands clear on one side of the issue and the other site is, well, exact opposite. What's the expression... Apples and Oranges? Ebony and Ivory? Frick and Frack?

Being modestly trained in aspects of print journalism back at "my old school" (great Steely Dan song by the way) I always thought that the world of news media was supposed to remove itself from a conflict of interest and to be objective, not subjective. Obviously, it looks like things have changed with everyone lining up with their own agendas. Maybe that's why the pulse of this nation is so skewed - too many people actually believe everything they read in the papers, hear on the radio, watch on TV, and find on the web.

Anyways, I digress... so, this experiment that was borne over the course of the last several months currently shows the score: CNN - DOOM and GLOOM, Foxnews - There is still hope.

Hey, don't take my word for it, check the headlines and draw your own conclusions as to the mood. What color pill is each respective editor giving you? A dose of Pull back and retreat or All is lost? Perhaps 20 cc's of Stay the course and Victory is achievable?

All this proud American is saying is just try to keep an open mind, pray for a positive and improving situation in the world, and whatever you do, please don't anxiously shovel down each heaping spoonful of bullshit that 'they' feed you!

What say you, oh, singular and independent consciousness?

God bless you all (I still have this right, right?)

Bebop Buchanan's Rollin' set for release

New York, NY - "Finally!" That singular statement was the last word Armory Square Records Sr. Executive Branford Marshall shared with us about the release of the much-anticipated follow-up album by Bebop Buchanan. "It's been a long road... getting this record done," Marshall stated. "The demand was so high after Bebop went platinum with 2004's Night Slider that we thought this follow-up release would never come."

Entrenched in oakie folk and soaked in his own dynamic jazz-infused rock, Bebop Buchanan has really stepped up to a new level with his fourth album since switching gears from his southern industrial roots.

“It all just came natural,” Bebop explains, as he turns back to the solace of orchestrating yet another masterpiece in his head. The only way to truly understand the process behind the music is to get to know the man. Journeyed, acclaimed, private. Few have a firm grasp of what drives this melodious soul. “Some think I’ve made a deal with the devil,” Bebop laughs. “When I lay down my tracks, there ain’t no mystery baby, it’s how I roll.. and this too… shall roll.” Bebop gives us this last snippet before unabashedly leaving our interview.

Pre-release reviews of Rollin’ have drawn some interesting comparisons. Rolling Stone likens it to “Donna Summer on acid” while Vibe editorialist Megan Cummings claims “I doubt he’ll ever be allowed back to Tennessee.”

After sampling the first few cuts, this reporter can tell you with certainty that Rollin’ is definitely quite the ride. All aboard!

Bebop Buchanan
Rollin’

1. Ain’t no betta
2. Blues for Frankie
3. Gettin’ back to basics
4. White House love song
5. Memphis was a friend of mine
6. Lions of Lidell St.
7. Hot Flat
8. Trunk
9. Top Shelf Matador

8 Seconds?

Long story short... I injured myself pretty bad during the quarterfinal round of the South Texas Bull Stomp BlastOff 2007. Ever since I moved up from rodeo clown, it's been my dream to be a Crown Royal CBR world champion. I was on my way actually. In the first round I scored an 86 on Dusty Bottoms, a bull out of Flatneck, Texas. Momentum was on my side as I mounted Fancy Boots McSnaggle Tooth, whom I've never ridden. I heard he was fast and mean but a challenge I welcomed with open arms.

Unfortunately, I rolled right when the 1,000 lbs of fury beneath me kick-jacked back to the left and threw me clear into the stands. I snapped my knee, spilled this little girl's nachos, and basically ruptured my patella tendon in half. Dreams of hoisting that trophy has been put on hiatus but don't you fret none (that's Texas talk) I'll be back in the stirrups come 2008... you can guarantee that!

Anyways, I'm on the mend, and Team Willis, Austin version will be at the upcoming Couse reunion in spirit.

Hugs and kisses!

Fruit Fly Retardant

Central Texas summers have the tendency to bring about an unwanted pest… the Fruit Fly. Drosophila melanogaster (from the Greek for black-bellied dew-lover) has been plaguing my home ever since the arrival of spring. Although the fruit fly is very tiny, it’s Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Tim Wakefield knuckleball-like movement allows for enhanced escape-ability from the two-handed human death clap, bringing about unparalleled frustration as entomophobes like myself seek to quash this vagrant nemesis once and for all.

The world-wide web’s cherished Wikipedia website informs us that the compound eye of the fruit fly contains 800 unit eyes or ommatidia, and are one of the most advanced among insects. The wings of a fly are capable of beating at up to 220 times per second. Flies fly via straight sequences of movement interspersed by rapid turns called saccades. During these turns, a fly is able to rotate 90 degrees in fewer than 50 milliseconds. Dodgy little devils indeed!

After an exhaustive and methodic search for proper retardants, I have found that there is one altruistic remedy for our black-bellied dew-lover – the carbine-format Flamethrower.

The lightweight carbine-format Flamethrower is designed solely for close combat. Using a pressurized napalm gel, it can cover an area of up to nine meters. Once the target is hit, the gel will stick to the victim and continue to burn for up to five seconds.

With a steady and sure-fire Flamethrower on hand, your fruit fly troubles will disappear. However, it is important to note that 3rd degree burns and complete property destruction will be the next hurdle in your quest for a fruit fly free home this summer. I recommend short, controlled bursts.

Happy hunting and skin grafts!